Tuesday, March 20, 2007


I wasn't supposed to get pregnant this month.

I didn't think that I was. I could have gotten a test, even, but it would have been on the same day that I became unpregnant if I was pregnant. It is not the first time I have had symptoms of miscarriage when I shouldn't have been pregnant. That is part of why I had believed my doctor when she had claimed that I hadn't been pregnant. Enoch was the first baby who died under that woman's care.

And I guess it would make some sense that my cycle would not be normal right after a miscarriage. But Enoch wasn't conceived right after a miscarriage. But then, this is the first time it would have been two in a row.

At any rate, I had some very real near-suicidal depression on Friday. And church was difficult this Sunday. Looking at this sweet little girl who is always volunteering to pray, and thinking how I won't know what my children look like until heaven. Listening to the fifth-grader who always thinks first of how people need the gospel, and commenting on his heart for missions, and then realizing that I won't know that about my own children--where there special giftings and callings are--in this lifetime.

And all I could think was how I wanted Jesus to come back, or call me home.
I sure have that "treasure in heaven" business down, at least.
Maranatha, Lord.
And that's her name. I don't know why or how, but I feel like God gave me that name for her.
That has not happened before with any of my other pregnancies.

Maranatha, Jesus. Until then, take good care of my babies, however many of them there are.


Blogger The Vegas Art Guy said...

Oh I am very sorry to hear about your miscarriages. My wife went through 3 of them before we eventually figured out that we were supposed to adopt. I hope that this time you'll be blessed with a child.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Vida said...

I'm so sorry you have had to experience this. I have been there myself and I still don't have the words to help or comfort.

8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Life is a test. We are all tested and the tests are different for each of us. It is why you feel that certain events are overwhelming for you and why you may find someone else's problems insignifant and wouldn't be such a problem for you if you were facing them. That isn't your test because it would be no test at all. Look how miserable the lives of so many famous and wealthy people who haven't a clue. Repeated divorces, drug addictions, eating disorders -you name it, their wealth hasn't bought them happiness because they lack the most important thing in their lives -and they are facing their own tests that seem no less overwhelming for them than yours feel for you.

It isn't money, fame, popularity etc. that matters here -it is how you handle your particular tests in life. Do you lose faith easily with adversity? Do you feel that God isn't with you, ready to help you through it? Your grief, disappointments and heartache are felt by Him as well. Let Him help you get through it. The reward is forever -with no more grief or tears again.

I suffered six miscarriages -but I have had two children since then, including one who was extremely challenging to raise. I know for a fact that those multiple miscarriages contributed to me realizing what a wonderful gift those children are and made me a better parent than I might have been -capable of dealing with a child with special needs where I would have been less able to do so earlier.

Your adversity today is helping shape the person you will be -and only for the better if you allow God to help you through it. But as another poster pointed out -you don't have to give birth to make a tremendous and wonderful difference in a child's life.

11:05 PM  
Blogger Milehimama said...

I wanted to share this with you - we've had three miscarriages.

A Child Loaned

I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine," He said,
"For you to love the while she lives,
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years
Or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call her back,
Take care of her for Me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
And should her stay be brief,
You'll have her lovely memories
As solace for your grief.

I cannot promise she will stay,
Since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In My search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give her all your love,
Not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take her back again?"

I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
The risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand.

- Edgar A. Guest

6:13 AM  

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