Spiritual Warfare

Last week was a difficult week for me. (No kidding, right?)

Saturday night, after Firstborn was in bed and before m'Love came home (he was out judging all day), I was reading Matthew and it was a really awesome experience. You know how sometimes when you read the Bible you actually feel like God put those words there for you, and when the Word says "you" He really does mean "you"? Well, it was like that. I've never really had that experience before. I know that the Bible was written for me, that the Word is living and active, and all, but I haven't felt anything supernatural when reading the Bible before.

And last night a thought popped into my head. It went something like this:
I would renounce Jesus Christ to have more children.

I don't think that was my thought. I immediately recognized the thought as wrong, and after thinking hard about it for a moment, I told Jesus that I would not renounce Him to have more children. I would not even renounce Christ to save my children's lives. And I am glad that I can honestly say that to Him. He is more important.

I can't remember much else in the way of spiritual warfare in my walk with God so far. But I do want to be totally sold out to Him. I hope that my faith is deepening--and I want to make every effort to add to my faith, goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. And maybe something about losing Ebenezer has deepened and strengthened this. I try so hard to find meaning in these tiny lives; I can't figure out what God is doing. I would never choose to lose a child to deepen my faith, and I don't think that one ever really does have to choose between being a good Mom and a good Christian. But what God chooses for me, in His perfect will and His perfect understanding, it is not mine to question. I mean, obviously, I cry out, I ask why--but I have to trust in Him, that His will for me is good. I know God loves me and wants what is best for me. So if I had a miscarriage, God will work through it to bring about my best interests, in His perfect wisdom. In this as in all things He works for my good, and my husband's, and my daughter's, and Ebenezer's, and that of my other children. Not that miscarriage is good--it is part of the great evil in the world that stems from the fall, as is all death--but God is still good.

So I will strive to hold on to God, through depression, through death, through hardship, through all kinds of evil. I will try to hold on to His joy and His promises, because on my own I have nothing. And it does seem that something is happening, if I can feel both God and Satan working in my life.

And God might have been telling me that I am still pregnant with Ebenezer's twin brother, and that I should call him Matthew. But that's almost certainly my having an overactive imagination.

Feel free to pray for me and my family.