Poor Big Sister :( (Day 33)

Firstborn has been sick. Possibly a UTI, and there's teething involved as well. Tuesday she was seen, and was fine, but we got a urine sample anyway, and it might be a UTI--hopefully I will find out tomorrow. She has antibiotics and all she seems to want to eat is medicine and breastmilk. Thank God for flavored medicine! I am a little frustrated that all the work so far on weaning her has probably been undone, but I do want to do what's best for her....

She started batting her ear and screaming today, but only when she was tired. And her fever (102 a few days ago) is gone. She seems to have developed a rash, but I suspect it's unrelated--I am betting I messed up a load of her laundry by adding too much detergent or the wrong kind. She will have a new tooth tomorrow, I am sure. Hopefully that will mean a full night's sleep for me.

The other little one (little ones?) have been making me ravenously hungry and sometimes putting me in some crampy pain. I know my cervix is closed tight, though, so trying not to worry.

My first appointment is next week and they will definitely be doing a dating ultrasound. Because, of course, anyone who thinks they ovulated sometime other than day 14 (even with a negative pregnancy test on day 22) is obviously either stupid or a pathological liar. I had an interview on the phone for my history, and tried to refuse to answer the LMP question, but she badgered me into it. Sigh. Hopefully they won't try to tell me the baby is "too small" by going from the wrong date.

I have had a funny, bad taste in my mouth today, no matter what I eat or how much I drink. I don't know if it's a form of morning sickness.

Day 27

Yay! I had some morning sickness! Just a little nausea, but I found it exciting.... yeah, I am weird.

I also could swear I felt movement yesterday, but seeing as I've had phantom movement since giving birth to Hannah, I think I'll chalk that up to I'm crazy.

And I am so, so happy! I blame that on the pregnancy hormones--I love pregnancy hormones.

Day 23 and all's well

I passed that 3 week mark with no bad signs... I am sometimes even feeling pregnant, which I do not think I was this early with Firstborn.

Firstborn, like every other mother's children, continues to be breathtakingly intelligent and stunningly gorgeous.

Yesterday morning she was playing with two plastic keys and reached way into her toy basket to pull out the third that matched. She then proceeded to pull out a completely different-looking set of keys. And while I was talking to her, she said "dee"!

She's also pulling up more and more, and sometimes even close to standing on her own. Not much cruising yet.

Today she rotated her straw cup when she couldn't get water out until she could.

She's been very tired the past few days. I hope she is getting enough to drink--but she will drink when she's thirsty enough. I guess, though, that she wouldn't be drinking as much as if she were getting all of her nutrients through drinking, right? Still, I wish I knew what the "right amount" was. She is loving whole milk, which I've been giving her daily even though she's only 11 months (gasp!) instead of a year old.

Day 21

I miss my babies. And I don't know what to do with that.

And I know part of it's hormones... but that doesn't invalidate it. It isn't going to go away; there's not going to be resolution, and it won't be okay, while I am on this earth.

God be with them.

Day 19

Firstborn did something new yesterday--she pulled herself up on an inanimate object. I caught her on camera, too! She was quite pleased until she wanted to get down, and then things didn't work so well. But mommy helped.

The nice thing about being pregnant is that when Firstborn does something new, it's not bittersweet at all; it's okay that my baby is growing up.

I've already had a prenatal appointment rescheduled. I'll be going in on the 5th of May--5 weeks exactly. It's nice that they will be earlier, although I hate the way that they end up rescheduling almost every prenatal appointment I have. It's also probably too early to find a heartbeat (although there will be a heartbeat (or maybe several). They'll probably do a dating ultrasound, and that would probably give me a number for sure, so M'Love will meet me there.

I need to start buying more food for Hannah; she eats quite a bit sometimes.

She'll be walking before I know it... and God willing, perhaps even using silverware.

I have been worrying a little more about the baby... at this point, I have gotten as much reassurance as I could possibly get, but... I still worry some. I don't want to lose another child ever again. I don't care how many drugs I have to be on, how many times I have to get stabbed with needles, whether I can eat chocolate again before menopause.... my babies matter more. I'm hoping that something I've done--whether the diet or the drugs--has given me a better chance. So that I can just do the drugs and the diet and the stabbing in the future, and have more healthy babies.

Today's sign of pregnancy: insomnia (Apparently (according to reliable sources) the inability to sleep through the night happened with Firstborn before I even realized I was pregnant, as well as lasting throughout the pregnancy and several months postpartum (due first to my body and then to the baby :)

Day 18 (on breastfeeding)

I tried to cut Firstborn back to 3-5 times a day breastfeeding, but it seems like my milk is drying up completely. I don't know if it's because I cut back, because of the progesterone, or because of the pregnancy.

It is kind of sad it's over--especially because she tries and then cries when there's not enough, and she still isn't into cups. Cups are sometimes interesting when she feels like it, but they aren't a major source of liquid, in her opinion. I guess she will learn... but I feel like I'm not giving her what she wants and what is good for her, when she is very clearly making it known. When she wants to breastfeed, she claws at my shirt and buries her head in my chest. I never expected to feel this way when it ended, but I suppose I expected it to be more gradual too.

On a lighter note, she's started pointing and is closer to using words for things. However, she's just not there yet. She points at Dada and says, "Dada!" We say, "Yes, what a good girl, that is Dada!" Then she points out the window and says, "Dada." Um, no. Sometimes she seems to call me Mama... and sometimes she seems to call me Dada. Her babbling sounds more wordlike too.

Today's sign of pregnancy: waking up in the wee hours of the morning every day, even when I haven't gotten enough sleep.

Day 17 (the numbers game)

My hcg numbers:

4/8 11dpo 15
4/10 13dpo 47
4/13 16dpo 321

The upside is, the numbers are really great, according to the doctors. So I guess they are at least not suspecting anything like molar pregnancy. And I read somewhere that (in a small study) 96% of those over 300 on day 16 carried to term. So that's nice.

It seems like conventional internet wisdom, though, is that numbers going up really fast could mean multiples.

My numbers more than tripled in 44 hours, then more than sextupled--almost septupled--in 77 hours.

Anyone want to shed light on this?

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up too much so soon, but those numbers are on fire! They offered me another test, but I asked if it was necessary and they said no, so I said I'd skip it unless there was a reason.

Am I crazy for wanting multiples?

I like not knowing how many children I am gestating more than not knowing how many children I failed to gestate, though!

(Multiples aren't an effect of metformin that I know of; anyone know different?)

Today's sign of pregnancy: M'love says the hormones are affecting me. He means I'm irritable.

Day 16

I finally got my second set of hcg levels back. They're supposed to double every 48 hours or so... well, they just-over-tripled in a little under 48. Aside from assorted very rare scary awful things, this could mean that I am gestating more than one baby. At very least, it's a very good sign that I will remain pregnant for the next 8 months or so. I called M'Love to tell him. He is not as joyous about it as I am... he knows I get my hopes up too easily :)

They also told me to get another hcg level this week (hmmm... why would they do that unless... oh, yeah, because my numbers are still "low" unless, oh, maybe I really did ovulate when I say I did? Yes, they seem to think I might just be either stupid or a pathological liar. Next time maybe I will just lie about my LMP date.) Anyway, my father-in-law told me today was good so I got to go feed the vampires again. Will find those results out tomorrow.

As we left, a car turned down my street. (You must understand that where I live, more planes fly over my house than cars drive by it. I live on an old dirt road a few miles from a small airport). So we stopped to say hi, and it was my future neighbors. (They bought land across from us before Firstborn was born, and it must have been almost a year since I saw them.) Anyway, as we left after chatting about their plans to someday build a house across from mine, she commented (Dad had told her I was pregnant): "By the time we move in, you'll have 3 kids!"

Hmmm.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Firstborn was asleep when I got home, and stayed asleep as I removed her from the carseat, and woke up only twice and briefly on her way upstairs to bed. Still napping. She had a big brunch: cheerios, sirloin tips, pork roast, butternut squash, French toast, and peach yogurt. She kept finishing stuff, so I kept giving her more :)

I still have to clean back up after a busy weekend--the less we're home, the more there is to do. I did clear the coffee table Saturday, so all that's left in the living room/kitchen area is the shelves and the magazine rack. (Well, and a whole bunch of stuff you can't see, but I'm going to get the visible stuff first).

Saturday I also made brownies with Easter candy-decal-hardened-frosting-things (courtesy of the discount rack last Easter) and two kinds of chocolate chip cookies (big peanut butter chips and mint/chocolate swirl chips with walnuts). We brought them to share on Easter. I actually did end up eating a tiny bit of cookie dough and crumbs yesterday, and today after I packed them up to send to work with M'Love, I ate the leftover brownie crumbles. I guess I am paying for that with more sugar cravings, but I broke open some diet cream soda to combat them.

Anyway, all is well. And I should probably stop putting off my housework now. Or maybe go check message boards.

And, oh yeah:

HE IS RISEN! Praise God.

I have officially made it through Day 14

Now that I am on day 15, I am even more optimistic. Hopefully my second HCG results, which I can't get until Monday, will be good as well. I think I am going to wait till after week 3, though, to tell the rest of my side of the family.

M'love wanted to tell people right away, so since we were telling my parents first this time, I called them Thursday night (but my mom thought we should tell my dad, so he didn't find out until yesterday). So he's already told people at work, and will probably be telling a lot of relatives today.

This baby is keeping me warm already, something Firstborn never did. So maybe this is a boy? Or maybe that's the progesterone.

The latest test results

So none of my loyal following have asked how my test results were?

Okay, fine, I'll tell you anyway.

I'm 13 days pregnant. And I couldn't be more thrilled. I would really appreciate prayers for the baby, still, but I'm not worried at all. There are so many things that are different--I'm having no sugar and very little carbs, I'm on metformin and progesterone (my progesterone is at 8.8 and should be 10, but I'm hoping that's not too bad). So there are 4 different things that might help this time and weren't a factor the other times (including for Hannah, who is of course perfectly fine). I have told Firstborn, of course, but seeing as her receptive vocabulary includes only kitty, daddy, mommy, Hannah, no, nose, and tummy--and I'm not so sure about those last 6--I'm pretty sure it's not real clear to her. But M'Love and I are thrilled.

This is, by my estimation, my 11th (or maybe 9th?) pregnancy. I don't know; I wish I did.

This is my third pregnancy that has been confirmed, and the second confirmed by the medical establishment.

I'm glad I'm not worried, because it wouldn't help anything. I am enjoying it right now. I'm hoping it lasts about eight more months, but if it doesn't, I don't want to spend the intervening time afraid and worried.

I need to figure out what I need to be eating and how to get Firstborn to consistently drink from a cup. She'll do it for a while, then lose interest for a week or so, it seems like. I don't really want to wean her, but I know it's likely to happen during pregnancy anyway. There was already a time when she seemed uninterested in nursing for a while. So I would like her to be able to drink when that time comes.

Today's signs of pregnancy: Hungrier and peeing more.

The Baby, the Testing, and the Productivity

Firstborn isn't feeling well today. She was up all night, off and on; she has a really awful diaper rash; she has a temperature; she has a runny nose; she's had some gas; and I think she is teething too. Poor babygirl. I was sick and husband was sick, as well, last week, so hopefully she doesn't have that. And hopefully she isn't reacting poorly to the metformin I'm taking... but the pattern doesn't quite match that.

But I called up the doctor's office, and they just said to change her diaper often and let them know if it gets worse. She's napping now, at last, so hopefully she will get a bit of rest before we have to go, but not sleep so long I have to postpone leaving, or wake her up.

I'm going to get bloodwork soon.

I have several signs this time:
Faintness/dizziness/seeing black whenever I stand up (which I know my SIL had when she was simultaneously pregnant and breastfeeding)
More, um, stuff than I would normally expect at this point in my cycle
I have a temperature of 99 degrees--extremely unusual for me--and I have been feeling warmer subjectively as well.

So I am (of course) hoping that this is for real. I will find out tomorrow.

I've been playing with pictures and sending them out to family, and albuming some. So that is good. I framed a princess picture in a frame that says little princess.

This means that my kitchen table is almost clear (yay!) and the coffee table has improved too (yay again!). I am doing laundry and hope to clean the guinea pig cage while Firstborn sleeps (first nap since Saturday).

God bless y'all.

Blog Identity

So, I haven't posted in a while.

Therefore, I should post.

Firstborn continues to get bigger, curlier and teethinger.



My blog seems to have a bit of an identity crisis. Sometimes I post about moral issues (with political ramifications, but my focus is not on the political). And sometimes I post about my real-life issues and frustrations and joys.

Hmm. I thought for sure that would go somewhere, but it didn't.

So I guess this blog is about issues of morality in reproduction, and about early miscarriage, and about the struggles of a quiverfull mom who doesn't actually know anyone else quiverfull except her husband.