So um... it's been a while.

God has made it clear that we are not going to adopt at this time. It is still something we hope to do someday. Part of his making this clear to us was blessing us with another biological child. Due to the point we were at in the adoption and the agency we were working with this meant we could not proceed with an adoption.

Tomorrow our little one will be 16 weeks old... and two weeks from then I am scheduled to have my gall bladder out.

I would appreciate prayers for the safety of our baby, "Melchizedek."

The Center of God's Will

A couple times recently I have felt like I am in the center of God's Will. Which I think is pretty awesome.

The first time was when I was giving my husband a backrub a few days ago. And then again this morning when I was nursing my son. He fell asleep, and I went back to bed. But I couldn't sleep.

I began to feel that God wanted me to clean the bathroom. This is not a common thing for me (as you might deduce, had you ever seen my bathroom). Well, except for the occasional pregnancy-induced insomia/nesting combo. And I am not pregnant to my knowledge. So I cleaned the mirror. And I cleaned the window. And I cleaned the toilet. All very thoroughly--and I felt I was in the center of God's will. And it was so amazing that it'll take 2 or 3 more blog posts to detail all the insights I gained this morning while cleaning my bathroom.

And as I cleaned the toilet I could see many more things I could do stretching out before me, that I could do and be in the center of God's will: More cleaning. Picking up. Making lunch for my husband. Taking a shower. God is so good.

Then my baby woke up and started fussing, and I kept cleaning the sink even though I should have tended him first. Everything gets so much harder when the kids are up. I didn't want to leave a relatively simple job half-done (it worked out fine; he wasn't really crying and I was able to get dressed rather than getting him right away; but I didn't have that feeling of being in the center of God's Will). But I want to be in the center of His Will.

Part 2

Part 3

Pregnancy during Advent

For much of the Advent season last year, I was pregnant.

If you are a married Christian, I totally recommend taking the opportunity to be pregnant during Advent, should it arise. As my husband put it, "It gives a whole new meaning to waiting for a child to be born." I thought a lot about Mary's pregnancy with our Lord as I carried my son, and as I went into labor (and went into labor... and went into labor... and went into labor). I wondered about her labor, her pregnancy, and Jesus' birth. I don't know if it was particularly more spiritual than other Advent seasons, but it did help me look at the story differently, consider it from new angles.

And on the day we celebrate the birth of Christ, I had a two-week-old son I was struggling to nurse. (No Christmas pageant at my church, though he certainly would have made a sweet Baby Jesus).

What would Mary have been thinking as Jesus was about two months old? Would it have been clear how special He was, if not for prophesy and predictions made to Joseph and her? Was He brighter and more alert than other babies? Was there a glimmer in His eyes of the soul that existed before the world began? His looks were ordinary, that we might not know Him by those. But as Mary fell into the rhythms of life with her Firstborn Son, were there moments when it was clear that He was also the Firstborn of all creation? Or as He ate and slept and pooped and cried and stared at His mommy and daddy, did He seem like any other two-month-old baby, special in how He entered the world but not in how He dwelled there? Were there moments when Jesus woke in the middle of the night and she asked herself, "Is He really who the angel said He would be? How could this tiny, dependent Baby ever be the One to save us all?" Or was it clear somehow even as she bathed and swaddled and fed her son that he was also the Son of the Most High?

It's an interesting exercise, and one I suspect I'll be doing all of Third's life. All children are miracles--all people--and it's hard to imagine that one day these tiny little people who depend so much on me, who started out as single cells, will one day be a grown woman and a grown man. Third may not be a messiah, but one day he could be a pastor or a doctor or a lawyer or an accountant or even a senior software engineer. But now he lies sleeping at my breast.

They grow up so fast

I have decided to work harder on potty training, so Firstborn has been spending part of the day running around naked the past few days. Not much success yet, but only one puddle, and I know she's ready to learn.

Speaking of ready, I am also pretty sure she's ready for a toddler bed. We are getting one from some friends who no longer need it, possibly this month. If she naps at Grandma and Grandpa's it's in a big bed. She lies very still--more so than in her crib.

Third has outgrown his newborn clothes and is in the 0-3 month size. Luckily, dh finally bought me a cheap $20 digital camera since we lost ours. But that was less than a week ago and now it's missing too.

All of a sudden Third has figured out this breastfeeding thing! He will eat whenever I put him to breast, starting yesterday. Is it just time? Was it losing the breast shield? I don't know, but I'm glad it's working.

Third has put himself on a schedule. He wakes up in the morning just before we want to, and is up through our and Firstborn's breakfasts. He wakes up again for a quick noontime meal, and then again when it's time to get dinner ready, and is up off and on through dinner, Firstborn's bathtime, and her bedtime, and our bedtime. Then he sleeps until midnight, or two or three. Sometimes he'll be up both those times. Sometimes there will be another brief awake period in the morning or afternoon. It's not exactly a convenient schedule, but predictability is nice.

Third is better at regulating his temperature than I am--he is too warm sometimes in a fleecey sleeper. So much for one-more-layer-that-I'm-wearing. His sister has apparently not gotten the memo, though, and is still quite disturbed if he isn't wearing a hat. She will make an excellent little old lady someday. (Of course, so would Daddy, who's concerned about Firstborn wandering around without socks. Because she takes hem off.)

Went for a walk with Firstborn recently and she kept up with me, and stopped when I told her to. Yay!

I think she might be done napping. A real shame, because I'm not done with her napping. But she wouldn't nap this weekend, then had one yesterday and was up early and during the night, though she fell back asleep. We're trying things without a nap today, and she's doing fine.

God bless y'all

In the midst of struggles

I just lost a huge, marathon post on some of my struggles right now.

Maybe there is a reason for that?

The important part is not the struggles.

Here is what is important, so perhaps it is appropriate that it be the bulk of the post rather than a footnote.

The one task I can be completely sure, in this life, that God has appointed for me is to care for the children of my womb, because God and God alone opens and closes the womb. My special area of ministry and missions is in my home, where I am called to be a servant to my husband and my children. While I may struggle with some aspects of what I am called to do, at times, my attitude should not be one of resentment, reluctance, fear, or even just getting through it:

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I say, rejoice!
Philippians 4:4

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
Colossians 3:23-24

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
1 Corinthians 15:58b

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:10

So when I make my husband a lunch--the one thing I do just for him that has no benefit to me--I need to do so with as much cheer as if I had been asked to do so for Jesus. When I spend time with my daughter--who I am so blessed to have--I need to focus on her and love her like that was the most important task in the world--and in truth, it's hard to think of many that matter more. When I wake at night for the third time to feed my beautiful new baby boy, I need to do so with joy and with thankfulness. And as I prepare this temple for the possibility that the Sovereign God of all the universe, the Master Artist who created every living thing, might once again choose to join with my husband and I in using us to create His newest masterpiece, and use me to nurture and grow a new soul created in His very Image (what greater honor or privilege could there be?), I need to give myself to that task with my full heart, rejoicing that all of this truly is for Him.

Sometimes I try to live like that, though I usually fall short. Self-sacrifice? Yes, but what better things could I do with my self? God's divine purpose for my life goes far beyond what I could come up with.

Seven months pregnant

My son is now less than two months from being born. He is fully formed and would probably be okay if he were born today (though that's not what I want and would not be best for him).

He already is developing a personality--he seems more active and more stubborn than his big sister. He has definite opinions about the positions he prefers. He is kicking me very regularly as I type this--the only thing Firstborn ever did regularly was hiccup, and this is a lot more random than that. Come to think of it, I don't know if my son has even had the hiccups.

He probably weighs 3 or 4 pounds now. He probably looks like you would expect a newborn to look, only smaller and skinnier.

And it would be completely legal for me to have him killed.

There's no reason for that. It would be no more harmful to me--probably less--to simply give birth to him at this point. An injection could give his lungs a better chance, and he would likely live a full and productive life, though he might face temporary setbacks or possibly permanent difficulties due to his prematurity. If I decided I no longer wanted my son (and I do want him so much!), there would be plenty of families willing to love him and raise him as their own, even if he did face challenges due to being born early.

There is no reason for abortion to be legal after viability. It's not about bodily sovereignty. It's not about choosing whether to be pregnant. It's about choosing whether a child may live or die.

Late abortions are about killing babies.

Disclaimer: Nothing in this post should be taken to imply that I support women making the decision to give birth early because they do not want their children or do not want to be pregnant anymore. Nothing in this post should be taken to indicate that I think a woman's right to do what she likes with her body should trump a child's right to life at any stage of pregnancy.

Poor Big Sister :( (Day 33)

Firstborn has been sick. Possibly a UTI, and there's teething involved as well. Tuesday she was seen, and was fine, but we got a urine sample anyway, and it might be a UTI--hopefully I will find out tomorrow. She has antibiotics and all she seems to want to eat is medicine and breastmilk. Thank God for flavored medicine! I am a little frustrated that all the work so far on weaning her has probably been undone, but I do want to do what's best for her....

She started batting her ear and screaming today, but only when she was tired. And her fever (102 a few days ago) is gone. She seems to have developed a rash, but I suspect it's unrelated--I am betting I messed up a load of her laundry by adding too much detergent or the wrong kind. She will have a new tooth tomorrow, I am sure. Hopefully that will mean a full night's sleep for me.

The other little one (little ones?) have been making me ravenously hungry and sometimes putting me in some crampy pain. I know my cervix is closed tight, though, so trying not to worry.

My first appointment is next week and they will definitely be doing a dating ultrasound. Because, of course, anyone who thinks they ovulated sometime other than day 14 (even with a negative pregnancy test on day 22) is obviously either stupid or a pathological liar. I had an interview on the phone for my history, and tried to refuse to answer the LMP question, but she badgered me into it. Sigh. Hopefully they won't try to tell me the baby is "too small" by going from the wrong date.

I have had a funny, bad taste in my mouth today, no matter what I eat or how much I drink. I don't know if it's a form of morning sickness.

Day 27

Yay! I had some morning sickness! Just a little nausea, but I found it exciting.... yeah, I am weird.

I also could swear I felt movement yesterday, but seeing as I've had phantom movement since giving birth to Hannah, I think I'll chalk that up to I'm crazy.

And I am so, so happy! I blame that on the pregnancy hormones--I love pregnancy hormones.

Day 23 and all's well

I passed that 3 week mark with no bad signs... I am sometimes even feeling pregnant, which I do not think I was this early with Firstborn.

Firstborn, like every other mother's children, continues to be breathtakingly intelligent and stunningly gorgeous.

Yesterday morning she was playing with two plastic keys and reached way into her toy basket to pull out the third that matched. She then proceeded to pull out a completely different-looking set of keys. And while I was talking to her, she said "dee"!

She's also pulling up more and more, and sometimes even close to standing on her own. Not much cruising yet.

Today she rotated her straw cup when she couldn't get water out until she could.

She's been very tired the past few days. I hope she is getting enough to drink--but she will drink when she's thirsty enough. I guess, though, that she wouldn't be drinking as much as if she were getting all of her nutrients through drinking, right? Still, I wish I knew what the "right amount" was. She is loving whole milk, which I've been giving her daily even though she's only 11 months (gasp!) instead of a year old.

Day 19

Firstborn did something new yesterday--she pulled herself up on an inanimate object. I caught her on camera, too! She was quite pleased until she wanted to get down, and then things didn't work so well. But mommy helped.

The nice thing about being pregnant is that when Firstborn does something new, it's not bittersweet at all; it's okay that my baby is growing up.

I've already had a prenatal appointment rescheduled. I'll be going in on the 5th of May--5 weeks exactly. It's nice that they will be earlier, although I hate the way that they end up rescheduling almost every prenatal appointment I have. It's also probably too early to find a heartbeat (although there will be a heartbeat (or maybe several). They'll probably do a dating ultrasound, and that would probably give me a number for sure, so M'Love will meet me there.

I need to start buying more food for Hannah; she eats quite a bit sometimes.

She'll be walking before I know it... and God willing, perhaps even using silverware.

I have been worrying a little more about the baby... at this point, I have gotten as much reassurance as I could possibly get, but... I still worry some. I don't want to lose another child ever again. I don't care how many drugs I have to be on, how many times I have to get stabbed with needles, whether I can eat chocolate again before menopause.... my babies matter more. I'm hoping that something I've done--whether the diet or the drugs--has given me a better chance. So that I can just do the drugs and the diet and the stabbing in the future, and have more healthy babies.

Today's sign of pregnancy: insomnia (Apparently (according to reliable sources) the inability to sleep through the night happened with Firstborn before I even realized I was pregnant, as well as lasting throughout the pregnancy and several months postpartum (due first to my body and then to the baby :)

Day 18 (on breastfeeding)

I tried to cut Firstborn back to 3-5 times a day breastfeeding, but it seems like my milk is drying up completely. I don't know if it's because I cut back, because of the progesterone, or because of the pregnancy.

It is kind of sad it's over--especially because she tries and then cries when there's not enough, and she still isn't into cups. Cups are sometimes interesting when she feels like it, but they aren't a major source of liquid, in her opinion. I guess she will learn... but I feel like I'm not giving her what she wants and what is good for her, when she is very clearly making it known. When she wants to breastfeed, she claws at my shirt and buries her head in my chest. I never expected to feel this way when it ended, but I suppose I expected it to be more gradual too.

On a lighter note, she's started pointing and is closer to using words for things. However, she's just not there yet. She points at Dada and says, "Dada!" We say, "Yes, what a good girl, that is Dada!" Then she points out the window and says, "Dada." Um, no. Sometimes she seems to call me Mama... and sometimes she seems to call me Dada. Her babbling sounds more wordlike too.

Today's sign of pregnancy: waking up in the wee hours of the morning every day, even when I haven't gotten enough sleep.

Day 17 (the numbers game)

My hcg numbers:

4/8 11dpo 15
4/10 13dpo 47
4/13 16dpo 321

The upside is, the numbers are really great, according to the doctors. So I guess they are at least not suspecting anything like molar pregnancy. And I read somewhere that (in a small study) 96% of those over 300 on day 16 carried to term. So that's nice.

It seems like conventional internet wisdom, though, is that numbers going up really fast could mean multiples.

My numbers more than tripled in 44 hours, then more than sextupled--almost septupled--in 77 hours.

Anyone want to shed light on this?

I know I shouldn't get my hopes up too much so soon, but those numbers are on fire! They offered me another test, but I asked if it was necessary and they said no, so I said I'd skip it unless there was a reason.

Am I crazy for wanting multiples?

I like not knowing how many children I am gestating more than not knowing how many children I failed to gestate, though!

(Multiples aren't an effect of metformin that I know of; anyone know different?)

Today's sign of pregnancy: M'love says the hormones are affecting me. He means I'm irritable.

I have officially made it through Day 14

Now that I am on day 15, I am even more optimistic. Hopefully my second HCG results, which I can't get until Monday, will be good as well. I think I am going to wait till after week 3, though, to tell the rest of my side of the family.

M'love wanted to tell people right away, so since we were telling my parents first this time, I called them Thursday night (but my mom thought we should tell my dad, so he didn't find out until yesterday). So he's already told people at work, and will probably be telling a lot of relatives today.

This baby is keeping me warm already, something Firstborn never did. So maybe this is a boy? Or maybe that's the progesterone.

The latest test results

So none of my loyal following have asked how my test results were?

Okay, fine, I'll tell you anyway.

I'm 13 days pregnant. And I couldn't be more thrilled. I would really appreciate prayers for the baby, still, but I'm not worried at all. There are so many things that are different--I'm having no sugar and very little carbs, I'm on metformin and progesterone (my progesterone is at 8.8 and should be 10, but I'm hoping that's not too bad). So there are 4 different things that might help this time and weren't a factor the other times (including for Hannah, who is of course perfectly fine). I have told Firstborn, of course, but seeing as her receptive vocabulary includes only kitty, daddy, mommy, Hannah, no, nose, and tummy--and I'm not so sure about those last 6--I'm pretty sure it's not real clear to her. But M'Love and I are thrilled.

This is, by my estimation, my 11th (or maybe 9th?) pregnancy. I don't know; I wish I did.

This is my third pregnancy that has been confirmed, and the second confirmed by the medical establishment.

I'm glad I'm not worried, because it wouldn't help anything. I am enjoying it right now. I'm hoping it lasts about eight more months, but if it doesn't, I don't want to spend the intervening time afraid and worried.

I need to figure out what I need to be eating and how to get Firstborn to consistently drink from a cup. She'll do it for a while, then lose interest for a week or so, it seems like. I don't really want to wean her, but I know it's likely to happen during pregnancy anyway. There was already a time when she seemed uninterested in nursing for a while. So I would like her to be able to drink when that time comes.

Today's signs of pregnancy: Hungrier and peeing more.

And the results are in....

Yeah. Not pregnant again.

Guess there's always next month....

At least the medical professionals were very accomodating, so I can go get my arm stuck with a needle any time I want, and if I do get pregnant, I will be prescribed progesterone if my numbers are low.

My mom came over yesterday to play with the baby. I think she may be teething--she was fussy and less hungry than usual, and today her cheek seems swollen....

So since Firstborn did not require my constant attention, I managed to get a lot done:

I cleaned the guinea pig cage and litterbox.
I cleaned all three end tables.
I cleaned out and stashed three or four boxes that had previously occupied the middle of my kitchen.
I made homemade applesauce.

The only thing I intended to finish and did not was cleaning Firstborn's room. That's especially tricky because I can't do it during nap time.

There are now more clean areas than unclean in our main living/dining/kitchen room downstairs.

Clean and/or cleaned up daily:
2 couches
4 end tables
floor
sink

Still a mess:
coffee table
kitchen shelves
kitchen table
magazine rack

Getting this one room done will be a huge accomplishment. It is where Firstborn and I spend the majority of our time, and M'Love spends the most time with us (though he's in the computer room when he has to work).

Perhaps when I prayed for God to help me be less lazy, it worked? At any rate, I am thrilled with the progress, and M'Love appreciates it too. The problem is, we end up getting to bed late because I end up doing housework after I put Firstborn to bed. I need to get more done earlier, I guess.

After stuff is clean, in addition to keeping things picked up, I need to work out a schedule for actual cleaning, in which (hopefully) I only have to do one major task a day, maybe two.

Random small update

Friday is my birthday, so my mom took Hannah and I shopping and then had all three of us (plus my dad) for dinner. Got some cute baby clothes and also bought a pregnancy test. Didn't tell my mom anything, and don't think she saw the test.

I'm not pregnant.

Didn't really think I was.

Haven't heard back from the doctor yet.

Life goes on.